life.

So i’m studying this 3 years long education, which I started this fall. And I don’t know if it is right for me. And I hate that feeling, not knowing what to do. It feels like I’m studying only because my parents told me too. Which the didn’t even do. But they told me it is good to do so, and I know that. But I wanna be ready. And I’m not. I just wanna live, dance & discover the world. I don’t want to be stuck here in Gothenburg studying my ass off for the next 3 years. 

The thing is, while in high school (or gymnasiet as we say) I was the most ambitious girl ever. I did study my ass off for 3 years. But now LIFE has caught me, or dance has caught me, or whatever. And I feel that I need to embrace whatever it is that I have around me. And studying does not allow me to do so. It is a good education, and it’s a hard education with only A-students, and I can imagine studying it sometimes, in a few years maybe. But I don’t know if it was right to start doing so right now.

Even though I just said so, i don’t even know if it is the right education for me. But what is? And when do I know? I want to live on dance. Something that is incredebly hard, because first and foremost I have to become a greater dancer before I can think of living through my love. And that greatness does NOT come over a night. It’s a lifelong process basically, so I will NEVER be fully ready. It feels like. And I want to spend all my time to reach those heights. But you never do, spend all that time that is needed I mean. Especially not now. Because I have so little time. And I’m stressed out. Life haunts my back. I have all the time in the world, I’m young and healthy, but still I am stressed out as hell.

I love life right now, I love what I have going on around me. With the exceptions being the studies. But I know that if I don’t study I need to work, and working will probably give me even less time to dance. Sorry, I take that back. Considering how much I have to study, nothing will give me less time than I have now. And also, what if I one day want to study the same thing as now. How mad I will get at myself for dropping out. But this really feels like a plan B. It’s not something I want to do, but it’s one of those very few things I can at least consider myself doing if I can’t dance. And I suck at working. Like what, how often do people suck at that. That’s almost bisarre. At least, studying I know how to do. Even though I can’t do it right now, because I don’t FEEL it. A dancer always need to FEEL it.

So basically, I don’t know what to do or how to live my life. I just want to live it to the fullest. 

.. Oooh, the decisions I have to make.